apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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