Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
