im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
