my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
