So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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