Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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