i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
