I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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