too bad you live with your parents still
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
