Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We have started to decorate penises.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
