You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
