I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
sex in a hospital.. check
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
