I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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