just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's just like the Real World with babies
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
