I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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