it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
