She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
