walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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