I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
