we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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