im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
