Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
