On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i wish my penis had a tongue
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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