Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
