So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
