if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
50% drunk capacity currently
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
