best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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