I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
