there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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