my mouth tastes like poor choices
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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