May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
