My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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