Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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