Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
