I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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