I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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