I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
