I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So squirting runs in the family.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
