My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
