apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
