We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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