I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
