shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
