hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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