We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
