I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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