I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
