he thought i was a dude.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
