Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I AM VODKA MAN
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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