she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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