cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
