can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
