Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
